Its another rainy day in nyc

"The time has come," the Walrus said, "To talk of many things..."

2010-10-25T21:26:00.000-07:00

So baby, Woh- if heaven calls, I'm coming too

And like you said, you leave my life, I'm better off dead

But if you wanna show, just let me know
And now I'll sing in your ear again

Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But now I know I'll see your face again

~Ben Harper.

i miss my best friend. my confidante. my partner in crime.

she's out..killing herself not slowly enough...and i only want her to come back.

now what?

acceptance. moving on. moving out. figuring out all this real life shit.

fuck.

i so thought i had it down.

i really did.

i was not prepared for this. they all told me to be prepared for this and i wasn't.

now what?

more bs quotes. but a lil writing too.

2010-08-04T09:29:00.001-07:00

this kind of defines me i think. both of them. and yet, i dont listen.

i can never just be satisfied. this is a re-occuring theme in my life. in my relationships.

also, i've become unbelievably lazy as of recently and i dont know why.

i hadnt posted in like 5 days because i just did not have it in me. and the posts before that were just bullshit pics and quotes and shit i've picked up along the way. so, i'm sorry about that.

i gained and lost a follower in that time. which is a bummer.

sleeping has been hard - and yet i am tired all the time.

i wake up over and over again.

i don't wanna talk to anyone. but i do. contrary action.

i don't wanna go to therapy. but i will. contrary action.

i don't wanna go to meetings. but i did last night. contrary action.

and yet - i don't really FEEL depressed.

but these are all signs that maybe i am.

FML.

this internal fight is whats got me exhausted i think.

but i also think i'm winning it.

you know what i mean.

i feel smaller. smaller. smaller. ?? maybe.

i need way more love and attention than the average person - but then when i get it, i dont want it and its not enough and its too much all at once.

maybe im just CRAZY?!

obvi

i love you. i really do.

2010-07-30T10:06:00.000-07:00

a girl can dream

2010-07-27T13:29:00.001-07:00

this is what i want to look like.

seriously.

amazing.

this just made my day

2010-07-26T17:33:00.000-07:00

happy monday.

2010-07-26T14:45:00.001-07:00

15 ppl following me?! yay.

at a standstill.

things that i'm thinking about today...

1. finally telling some people how i really feel. (these are not people that i consider friends - more work related)

2. how telling these people how i feel could SERIOUSLY impact my life.

3. if the change that could ensue would be AMAZING or AMAZINGLY DREADFUL.

4. if i care...do i?

5. does $$ equate to :-)? no. i know that. but i also know that having no cash leads to a lot of stress. and an inability to indulge.

6. i feel old at 24.

still at a standstill, but at least now others know about it.

2010-07-23T10:13:00.000-07:00

“They can because they think they can.”

2010-07-21T12:45:00.000-07:00

i'm feeling rather uninspired today.

not too much to report.

this morning thus far has been an EPIC FAIL.

this afternoon will be better.

I've gotten great about no night eating.

unless I'm with the boy. which i was last night. (but we definitely got a bit of a workout in so I'm cool with it ;-) )

i am currently so sick of certain people in my life and i just cant deal so i have decided to not give a shit. if you resent me for my opinions than fine. go ahead. honestly, i don't even care anymore. ITS SO FREEING not to care what others think of you. don't get me wrong, i still care very much what most people think of me, but not everyone. especially now, when i feel like i am really right, and not just being a judgemental bitch, and if you don't want to hear the truth and can't take it, then don't ask. right?

needs to go to the gym tonight.

plans changed so i should be able to - phew.

did you know if you eat a whole wheat English muffin, with a little honey, and a sliced banana it tastes kind of like a delicious pancake?

that was what lead to my epic failure of a morning.

i love your bones

court, alice, peanut.

2010-07-20T15:59:00.000-07:00

courtney - did you know i love you and i am so grateful to have had the chance to work with you and have you become a friend of mine! its crazy to me to have a friend like you, to have someone who knows me now and accepts me for all of my flaws and for who i am.

you are a small miracle in my life.

thank you for being here.

thats it. i simply love you.

peanut & alice- thank you for your kind words and support, it means the world to me. you guys dont even know me and yet, you know me.

xoxoxo

secrets/truth/shock/awe

2010-07-20T12:37:00.000-07:00

how about this for pathetic...

Lohan's trip from the Beverly Hills Courthouse to the Lynwood jail where she will spend the next 22-23 days of her life took up hours of television this morning .

That is what is referred to as "Breaking News" in Los Angeles.

REALLY?

honestly? as we know, it is not a choice to become to addicted, it just happens. whether its nature or nurture or a combination of the two, is yet to be discovered, but it is NOT a choice.

[**slogan on a tshirt on http://recoverinstyle.net]

what is a choice, is how we choose to handle ourselves and our sobriety from whatever it is we are addicted to. for me, it was drugs.

heroin.

so if you didn't know, now you know....

and when the drugs were gone and i was left with just me, the food issues came, and the issues with guys and the issues with living in my own skin and breathing and making it through every single day without picking up and without checking out and without trying to jump off a fucking bridge or just run run run until my heart stopped beating and i couldn't run anymore.

so i hold on to the issues with food.

with men but i try not to run too far too fast.

i try to hold on to myself and brace myself for whatever is coming and put a smile on my face.

i try to be honest with the people closest to me.

i try to be honest with myself.

and it is fucking hard.

and there are days when i hate life and i hate myself and i hate everyone and i go to the gym and i cant work out and look into those daunting mirrors that cover the gyms walls until i feel emptier.

but then there are days when i hold my head up high and im o.k. with me, im proud of myself that i do the simple things that would have been impossible for me to do 2 years ago.

i get up out of bed and i go to work without having to get high.

to other people that sounds so obvious. it even sounds obvious to me.

but before, in my other life (thats what i call it now), it was just my reality.

i could not go to work or class or make plans with anyone without knowing i'd have enough to get me through.

i would have to save $ and steal and lie to make sure i could go away for one night.

i had to cross borders via plane and boat with my dirty little secret written all over my hands and arms and feet with a smile on my face and trying not to shake with fear.

of being caught. of being found out.

of being arrested. incarcerated. abandoned.

and yet there i was. i had found myself in a prison all my own.

alone.

dying.

scared.

and where am i now?

i am a part of.

i am alive.

i am only a little bit scared.

but sometimes i still feel trapped.

by this body and more so this mind that i have that torture me on a daily basis.

with "lies" that i see as truth. so if these "lies" that my mind tells me are my truth...then are they lies just cause my therapist says so?

i don't know.

its my reality.

and today i wont pick up.

thats all i know today. and im okay with it.

with more love than you could ever believe and all the truth i could find in one day.

~N~

pastries and bagels and peanuts..oh my!

2010-07-19T12:38:00.000-07:00

oh shit.

well, not the best monday morning ever in history but not the worst either.

and its only 1245p so i can turn today around, right? shit.

usually when i am bad in the morning i am bad for the rest of the day. but not today.

i am putting that in writing.

ALSO - i am likely bleeding to death. fuck being a girl and having the most irregular . EVER in history.

so i feel that i am allowed a little smidgen of error for a few days.

in SoOsoO much pain...i mean, im on birth control, which im good about taking [ever since i wasnt good about it and thus had to go through mucho traumatic shiz] and yet i still get it like every 6 weeks or so. bullshit? i think so.

today is monday which means exercise for 2 hrs tonight.

word.

knowing that makes me feel better.

ok.

breathe.

calm.

very into reading and finding new music right now and i could use some suggestions.

great workout music? chill music?

great reads?

what do you girls like to listen to...

more love than you could ever imagine.

xxoo

unknown title today.

2010-07-16T11:24:00.001-07:00

another day in paradise....? hm, not so much, but today is, thus far, soooo much better than yesterday - so i will be grateful for that.

failed at sleep last night for the second night in a row - but it is what it is and i didnt eat myself into a coma to knock me out like i sometimes do, so thats progress.

even though getting up was near impossible - i did it - and made it to my final day of boot.camp for this 5-wk session. I am so, dare i say, proud of myself!?

one week off from that and then i start again. I've decided to do another session - i am totally hooked. i know i asked for advice because i have training sessions that i unknowingly paid for at LA Fitness and I was not sure what I was going to do. I am going to try to do both! TRY is the key word here though. Next week I am going to go the gym (I usually just go to the one in my complex - but I will go to LA Fitness and set up some appointments. They text harrass you if you don't show up so I think I can do it.

WTF!? who am I? TRY? no. TRYING never got anyone anywhere. DOING is what changes things.

this is what i would do if i was looking in the mirror right now!

anyway. i love you all so much and i don't care if that sounds dumb - cause it's true. i hope you are all having wonderful days and have great weekend plans!

i plan to sleep, tan, and go to the gym...maybe throw in some surfing and a movie.

xoxoxoxoxo

:-( very bad no good day

2010-07-15T16:50:00.000-07:00

evil.

i hate my stomach and it hates me back.

OW OW OW

this is me.

2010-07-14T10:45:00.000-07:00

okay. i can't bear/bare (?) HANDLE! putting up a full color shot of me on here but this is me/part of me in the cool thermal imaging thing that photobooth does...makes the black ink on my side glow..

[photo taken about a month ago...just fyi]

"It's not what we carry with us, but what we let go that defines us." Thats what it says.

update later

model pretty.

2010-07-13T12:17:00.000-07:00

i feel like i have nothing worthwhile to say today...

today is one of those days where i have no time to do what I want to do for myself..I mean, technically, its the right thing for me to go to a meeting tonight, which is why i took a commitment there, but i dont fucking want to go.

i want to go home after work, hang with the pup, and go to the gym. and i can't.

i could go at like 930, but then id be exhausted for boot-camp mañana.

i never used to be like this, i was never so compulsive about this shit.

BUT. yesterday was a really good day and so far, today is shaping up to be pretty good as well! YES. so as long as I don't fuck it up, like only i can, i will be in the clear for two whole days...once i get on a good path i feel like every day gets easier. it's when i start going down a bad road full of grossness that i cant seem to stop it. its like a million pound bowling bowl rolling down a steep hill..except i am the million pound girl rolling down the hill and until i hit a wall i can't stop! ha! sometimes i amuse myself.

good monday? i think so...

2010-07-12T13:45:00.001-07:00

**update...went to the gym after work and finished my day really well...cleaned like a psycho OCD person, drank some delish tea and now its bedtime!

LOVE LOVE LOVE

so far...

its is almost 2pm and today has been pretty good! miracle.

bootcamp this morning kicked my butt so im loving that. this is my last week of this 5 wk session and i am deciding if i want to do it again?

i was also thinking i might start p90x?

i still have a million training sessions at la fitness that i did not realize i was paying for until last week so maybe no bootcamp, do p90x + trainer?

i need advice!! help!

I am slowly gaining a few followers which is really nice, i love this little non-reality we have here wh

ere we can spill OUr realities to anyone who is interested...i say that because i am becoming aware that, much of the time, my reality is not necessarily the same as what i actually going on. but then i think that EVERYONE has their own reality..maybe everyone else's is just more aligned than mine?

so far....ZERO.

2010-07-09T09:31:00.001-07:00

this is mini-not-even-an-update because I need to remain accountable.

fuck.you.crunchwrap.

2010-07-08T09:22:00.000-07:00

okay.

so yesterday was supremely great until 10pm when boy wanted to go get food.

as a general rule, this is a no-no...10pm...have to be asleep by like 11 if i need to get up and be a normal person for w

i did boot camp in the AM and then ran/weights/abs in PM so I was feeling very positive and motivated..and, wait for it...proud of myself, and then we went to Taco Bell. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

fuck you crunchwrap supreme - i hate that i love u.

so basically, lets talk about the fact that i hate today - and myself at this moment.

SHIT. WHY do I always do this to myself? I know I am going to feel unbelievably ill but i do it anyway.

This is two days this week already.

COME ON.

today will be better.

it has to be.

right?

ballerina

2010-07-07T10:46:00.000-07:00

AND ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST.

I'VE JUST HAD IT.

I'll never feel the weight of your hands
Inside mine like diamonds
Lace so fine ballerina
Cupcake and my earthquake
Wakes me from a sleep that
Never comes are you breathing
Waiting for me

I didn't really want you
But I want you now
Was so foolish of me
To feel you tumbling down
Into that empty room
The lights went out
I want to rescue want to scream out loud

I didn't think I needed you
But I need you now
Was so empty in me
To feel you crashing down
Into the empty world
The music stops
I want to rescue want to scream out loud
You will always be mine

The room spins
Pull you from me
My body burns
Tell me of the rainbows
The colors that the rain throws
Ballerina dance softly
She knows when to come only
When she's called I’m slowly coming to

I didn't really want you
But I need you
Was so foolish of me
To feel you tumbling down
Into that empty room
The lights went out
I want to rescue want to scream out loud

I didn't think I wanted you
But I want you now
Was so empty in me
To feel you crashing down
Into the empty world
The music stops
I want to rescue want to scream out loud
You will always be mine

So, so sorry
Just come back for me now
So, so sorry
Just come back to me now
oh soon

I didn't think I wanted you
But I want you now
It was so foolish of me
To feel you tumbling down
Into that empty room
The lights went out
I want to rescue want to scream out loud

I didn't think I needed you
But I need you now
Was so empty in me
To feel you tumbling down
Into the empty world
The lights went out
I want to rescue want to scream out loud
That you will always be mine

v.a.l.i.d.a.t.i.o.n.

2010-07-07T09:23:00.000-07:00

why do i require so much validation...in life and here!?

why do i need to know people are reading this when I started it really for myself as a place to vent out all my shit..and why would people want to read my shit anyhow!? i wouldn't want to read my shit.

i was just thinking about that earlier this morning and wanted to smack myself upside the head.

clearly, i am the most narcissistic insecure person ever...thats what my former sponsor called me anyhow..i have made that statement before here i think but it just keeps coming up over and over again.

**rosie huntington whiteley -- replaced megan fox in the transformers series because Michael Bay thought Fox was to frail looking to play the part...ummm.,.so they picked this chick? OK. whatever, i think she is stunning...and i love LOVE megan fox but i think rosie is beautiful too~and doesn't look as plastic. new fave? perhaps.

discovered something last night..it is going to sound ridiculous. exercisetv on demand! did 30 min of yoga/pilates while in my own apt. PERFECTION. i was able to be home and be with the puppers (who thought what i was doing was very strange - he kept hopping around me trying to follow my legs with his little head and what not - i have a chihuahua/jack russel mix named CJ who is truly the love of my life...fyi)

more later.

ciao bellas.

love you.

and a little bit of...meh!

2010-07-06T13:01:00.000-07:00

UGH puke puke puke...

was so stellarly good this weekend and then last night was a besties 21st bday at a korean bbq place in Hollywood - and now im SICK SICK SICKly to my stomach...as I was eating the pan fried salty sweet beef I knew exactly what was going to happen and I did it anyway!? What is wrong with me?

WELL - spoke with the motherly unit (all of my stomach issues are totally her fault - genetics and what not - NOT STRESS! just wanted to make that clear in case she happens upon this - ha!) and we decided the best way to go is just to have green tea & H2O for the rest of the day.

ok by me. i miss her mucho. i do i do. (sincerely, not just in case she reads me!)

above is miranda kerr...who i post pics of a lot because i have the biggest girl-crush on her.

I found her workout routine once before - the one she does with her trainer - and now I can't find it - so if anyone has the link, please share!

the weekend was pretty good like i said before...LOTS of exercise & good times.

went surfing & busted my face. nice, right? it looks like i have a huge smudge of dirt on my chin, but its actually a hideous bruise. i'm tempted to post a pic of it. but then that would include the rest of my face so..i dunno.

also - in the spirit of American Pride (i have little), 4th of July, etc etc.

check out this hilarious video on youtube-->America, Fuck Yeah!

Missed it here this weekend. I can never write during the weekends, I dont know why. I think I need to be forced to sit here for hours just to get out a bit of stuff...but i need to. for my sanity.

PS. if you read this ever, let me know!

i love you more than you do

2010-07-02T13:24:00.000-07:00

happy friday and happy july. i failed to say that yesterday - but with a new month (a less gloomy month hopefully) comes a fresh start. a time to start over with whatever you want to do.

whatever your goals are.

this month started off horribly yesterday so i've decided that i am allowing myself to officially start July today.

made it to boot camp this morning so i'm happy about that - even though i hate getting up so early - i always feel so much better afterward and for the rest of the day & i think i actually got enough sleep last night so i'm not dragging my heels quite as much as i usually am by the time the end of the week roles around.

I love you more than my BFF	I love you more than cheese on toast	I love you more than any woman I have ever met	I love you more than eating chinese food out of the box.	I love you more than eating chinese food out of the box.	I love you more than than your money!	I love you more than you love me
I love you more than cheesecake!	I love you more than I Love you more then life itself, Reanna <3	I love you more than Mumford & Sons, Parris!	I love you more than cheese sticks	I love you more than i lalaluv my chuck taylors	I love you more than wine and cigarettes on a summer night	I love you more than I love myself.
I love you more than i should. <3	I love you more than you will ever know

2010-07-01T09:54:00.000-07:00

so VS just launched their new "love your body" campaign...

You bet I would if i looked like those girls. until then...

**miranda kerr, Alessandra Ambrosio, Candice Swanepoel

2010-06-30T17:35:00.000-07:00

don't you ever just want to get your hands dirty? just be a little kid and play in the mud and the dirt and the muck? Or get a huge glob of clay and just make a disastrous MESS...[that you wont have to clean up - of course]

that is my mood right now...don't know if its exhaustion or anger or elation..i can't place it. I just know i want to create and destroy and throw things and break plates and turn it all upside down topsy turvy.

i find blood fascinating. not other people's. just mine. i am constantly hurting myself because i am always rushing around and even though i hate the little cuts and bruises everywhere, they're interesting to me because of the little blood clots and what not. it's like - well, i must be alive if my blood is pumping and there is blood running down my leg - even though most of the time i don't even notice it until there is a long stripe of dried up brownish red goo on my leg. so alive because i bleed and not so much because i dont feel it?

OH! that reminds me...I just read wintergirls in one day. literally. couldn't put it down.

Loved it. Some of the bits at the very end made me squirm a bit but still.

got a secret...can you keep it?

2010-06-30T15:15:00.001-07:00

Got a secret
Can you keep it?
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it, in your pocket
Taking this one to the grave
If I show you then I know you
Won't tell what I said
Cause two can keep a secret
If one of the m is dead…

Why do you smile
Like you have told a secret
Now you're telling lies
Cause you're the one to keep it
But no one keeps a secret
No one keeps a secret
Why when we do our darkest deeds
Do we tell?
They burn in our brains
Become a living hell
Cause everyone tells
Everyone tells…

Got a secret
Can you keep it?
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it, in your pocket
Taking this one to the grave
If I show you then I know you
Won't tell what I said
Cause two can keep a secret
If one of the m is dead…

Look into my eyes
Now you're getting sleepy
Are you hypnotized
By secrets that you're keeping?
I know what you're keeping
I know what you're keeping

Got a secret
Can you keep it?
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it, in your pocket
Taking this one to the grave
If I show you then I know you
Won't tell what I said
Cause two can keep a secret
If one of the m is dead…

[spoken]
Alison?
Yes, Katherine.
I have something I want to tell you, but
you have to promise to never tell anyone.
I promise
Do you swear on your life?
I swear on my life

[end spoken]

You swore you'd never tell…
You swore you'd never tell…

You swore you'd never tell…
You swore you'd never tell…

Got a secret
Can you keep it?
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it, in your pocket
Taking this one to the grave
If I show you then I know you
Won't tell what I said
Cause two can keep a secret
If one of the m is dead…
(chorus x 3)

Yes two can keep a secret
If one of us is…. Dead.

VENTALATION (sp?)

2010-06-29T12:49:00.000-07:00

this was totally and utterly stolen from another blog... thank you! --------- - - - - - - ->

Posted based on a conversation with someone over gchat yesterday that just made me want to scream. FUCK YOU for thinking that i'm running. FUCK YOU for thinking you help(ed) me. just FUCK YOU & FUCK OFF.

Will surely be sunnier later.

Had to get that off my chest.

2010-06-25T13:07:00.001-07:00

Help, I have done it again

I have been here many times before

Hurt myself again today

And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small

I'm needy

Warm me up

And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again

Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,

Yeah I think that I might break

I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small

I'm needy

Warm me up

And breathe me

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small

I'm needy

Warm me up

And breathe me

the never ending day...

2010-06-24T16:03:00.001-07:00

today feels like it will never end and it is only 4pm here in lalaland..

I am gettin so sick of this place, I want to be sitting at a cafe in New York or Paris chain smoking, drinking coffee and reading books.

I want to live in place with more culture than plastic surgery clinics.

Not that I have issue with plastic surgery - trust me, if I could afford it I would so go there but I can't.

* ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** *

there is this underlying feeling of emptiness

a hole where everything i hate makes a mess

growing and growling and getting bigger and bigger

forming an everlasting bond with my body

ravaging the hope and the good and the pure

clinging like everything i wish would disappear.

************

walking around in circles

2010-06-23T12:50:00.000-07:00

Its official, I have completed 5 sessions of bootcamp - 1.5 weeks - 3.5 weeks to go! This is a tremendous accomplishment for me - I am doing so much it feels like I barely have time to do anything fun!

But at least now that I am working out in the morning - I have my nights to do what I want, for the most part...

I have time to make 3/mtgs a week, and I'm not going to lie, I really go to see my friends but sometimes I get lucky and hear someone speak who really touches me. [if you don't know me personally, then i'll let you know here - I am sober, 18 months last monday, also the day i started boot camp! also the day i was SUPPOSED to quit smoking...working on it]

That happened last night.

A woman spoke who was so different from me, with a different D.O.C. and everything, but she told my story - the same feelings, the same fears. This still amazes me and I love it.

Feelings like you will never be good enough, keeping people at a distance because if they knew who you really were, the most certainly would hate you - the same way you hate yourself.. wanting nothing but love but feeling so undeserving. Truly believing you are a bad person because of the things you do...when really your not but there is the everlasting cycle of guilt and shame so you keep using to cover up these feelings and when you use (or need to use) you do these things that make you feel guilty and ashamed.

i lied, i cheated, i stole.

if you were close to me, i pushed you away, never understanding why on earth you would want to be close to me in the first place.

no amount of love could fill me up so i pushed it all away.

that was my truth.

it's not so much anymore - but these feelings have carried over into this "second life" i get to live.

i continue to try to put one foot in front of the other and take what is offered to me in this world instead of shoving it away.

sometimes i still feel like i will be forever unsatisfied. i hold ideals for myself that are so high - average is not an option in my mind... so i place a lot of expectations on others, that they should love me the same way i love them. accept me for everything i am and everything i am not and love me just the same -- but why should they when i still don't?

shit...just came full circle, eh?

**** **** ***** **** ***** **** **** ***** **** ******

why do i torture myself looking at pictures sometimes? FML. like i said,

im afraid nothing will ever be enough for me and i will be eternally unsatisfied.

just turn it over huh? ARGH.

living. just being. hm.

2010-06-22T12:57:00.000-07:00

I wish I could write a novel, or be an artist, or do something to really change the world and open up people's minds to things they have yet to see and understand. Unfortunately, however, I am not creatively inclined like that. I was taking a nap (yes, i know, i took a nap, miracle) on sunday...father's day.. and as i was falling asleep I was thinking of a poem I could write for pops because I really wanted to - but, obviously, did not.
I miss my family. I worry because Baba (ie dad, pops, popsicle) is getting older and I am terrified of losing him. He has been my rock throughout everything. All of my trials and tribulations - he has always been there. Willing to drop everything for me, no matter what I put him through, which has been so much. And now that I am finally getting well - living a good, responsible life, I am 3,000 miles away from him. I want so desperately to be closer to him some days...not emotionally, physically. To just be able to give him a hug on a more regular basis.

******

On another note, I started Sonki Fitness' Boot Camp last Monday and successfully made it through week one! It is a 5-wk program, 3 days a week, 1 hour sessions of various activities. I feel so much better. It is giving me a better all-around feeling about myself - I am not beating myself up about what I eat nearly as much and I think I will REALLY see a difference once these five weeks are up - Its tough though because it is at 630am so I find myself struggling to get out of bed and then rushing to get to work and them being pretty tired by the early afternoon -- so i am doing my best to get enough rest, go to bed early, and continue drinking plenty of water. I have gotten way better with the water intake and it is really helping with energy levels and soreness - even though my body is still feeling pretty out of wack.

******

I love you beauties.

?

2010-06-17T15:29:00.000-07:00

do i return the call?
do i write an email?
i know i cant just send a text.

i dont know what the right thing is here.

help.

2010-06-01T11:42:00.001-07:00

does anyone even read this?

2010-05-27T09:34:00.001-07:00

I feel as though i have absolutely nothing worthwhile to say these days - hence the lame song lyrics, etc.
I am happy? Eh, maybe content is a better, more appropriate, word. I don't hate my job - but I don't LOVE my job - its fine.
I don't hate my life - but I am not LOVING my life right now either...I think that is because I feel like there are just not enough hours in the day to do everything I want to do...I want to go to more meetings but I also want to go to the gym and hang with the boy and hang with my friends!
This is the main reason I am starting boot-camp next month...it will force me to get my work-outs in the AM so I have my evenings free...so hard to balance life these days.
I absolutely cannot wait for this weekend (3-day weekend!)...it is so necessary. Havn't had a day off since I started here. I mean I had to go home and I chose to go to Julie's memorial service, but those do not count as days off because they were both days that were taken up by things I did not WANT to do but HAD to do. Not to say that Julie's service wasn't beautiful, because it was, I just hate those circumstances. Like anyone would I suppose.

e.d.n.o.s...

my roomie bought this book home the other day called "purge"...she said she thought it described both me and her..
i fear she is right.
i find myself focusing on food wayyyy to much of the time. feeling guilty when i eat what i consider to be too much and feeling proud when i eat a little or nothing at all.
this in and of itself is disturbing.

fuck.
perhaps this has a lot to do with why i find myself less happy...i am not satisfied with just ME.
hm. will discuss this in therapy today.

xo. 4. u.

guns and horses

2010-05-19T12:15:00.000-07:00

You're so quiet

But it doesn't phase me

You're on time

You move so fast, makes me feel lazy

And let's join forces
We've got our guns and horses
I know you've been burned by every fire is a lesson learned

I left my house
I left my clothes
Door wide open
Never knowing
You're so worthy, you are

But I wish I could feel all it for you
I wish I could be it all for you
I f I c o u l d e r a s e t h e p a i n
And maybe you'd feel the same
I'd do it all for you
I w o u l d

Let's tie words
'Cause they amount to nothing
Play it down
Pretend you can't take what you've found
B u t y o u f o u n d m e
On a screen you sit permanently

I left my house
I left my clothes
Door wide open
Never knowing
You're so worthy, you are

But I wish I could feel all it for you
I wish I could be it all for you
If I could erase the pain
And maybe you'd feel the same
I'd do it all for you
I would

It's time to come clean
And make sense of everything
It's time that we found out who we are
Cause when I'm standing here in the dark
I s e e y o u r f a c e i n e v e r y s t a r

But I wish I could feel all it for you
I wish I could be it all for you
If I could erase the pain
And maybe you'd feel the same
I'd do it all for you
I would
I'd do it all for you, I would

4.u.

mad about the boy

2010-05-18T15:35:00.000-07:00

Mad about the boy I know it's stupid to be mad about the boy I'm so ashamed of it but must admit the sleepless nights I've had About the boy On the silverscreen He melts my foolish heart in every single scene Although I'm quite aware that here and there are traces of the cad About the boy Lord knows I'm not a fool girl I really shouldn't care Lord knows I'm not a school girl In the flurry of her first affair Will it ever cloy This odd diversity of misery and joy I'm feeling quite insane and young again And all because I'm mad about the boy So if I could employ A little magic that will finally destroy This dream that pains me and enchains me But I can't because I'm mad... I'm mad about the boy

statistics.

2010-05-17T14:40:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to say today...

I feel as if I have had nothing worthwhile to say in a long time.

Today I am grateful for my life because I am reminded of how easily it could have slipped away. Another young lady with a beautiful future was ripped from our world yesterday because of this awful disease.

I try to be logical about it.

a. We are alcoholics, and untreated, we will ultimately die from alcoholism and addiction.

b. The majority of us WILL NOT make it out.

c. When all else seems to fail around us, we get loaded.

But there is more to it than logic, more to it than statistics.

Statistically, I should not be here.

Statistically, I should not have 17 months of sobriety.

Statistically....

But I am & I do. So now what?

I keep doing the things I've been doing. I fuck up now and again, for sure. I fuck up all the time. I am not always right, but I always think I am initially. I hold people to impossible standards and ridiculous expectations. I expect perfection from myself at all times and I am the farthest thing from perfect. I hate feeling my feelings and living life on life's terms...but it is all better than what I was doing before.

I wake up exhausted most of the time, but I am able to get out of bed.

I want to cry sometimes and if I do, there are people there to make me laugh and tell me everything is going to be ok. People I believe.

I never had that before.

I have been given a chance at another life and even though it sucks sometimes, all in all, its a life I never dreamed I would have.

I wish Julie knew all this. I wish she could see the possibilities that this life had in store for her. I wish she knew how many people loved her.

I think that maybe she does now.

You were truly a very greatly loved, beautiful young woman and your presence, although still felt, is so very missed.

You will always be in my heart & prayers.

wishing i could have my little baby boy at work with me..

2010-05-14T12:49:00.000-07:00

awesome puppup video.

2010-05-11T11:53:00.000-07:00

I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it....

so...im freakin' hungy. doing the master cleanse with a friend at work and i kinda wanna shoot people. this sucks. why do i do things to torture myself? i better feel AMAZING when this is over, I SWEAR.

i want pop tarts and thai food and everything in sight. i want things i probably dont even like.

oh well.

pretty sure i am supposed to not work and just travel and have fun...

2010-05-07T12:31:00.000-07:00

yep. missed an incoming call from my boss because of the yankee game.

going to get fired.

shit. ha.

there is not enough caffeine on this planet to wake me up today.

2010-04-28T10:47:00.000-07:00

Sorry I'm only

Human you know me

Grown up oh no guess again

So here's today: people are unbelievably stupid and selfish. I mean this in a general way. Of course there are always exceptions to the rule and the people I hold near to me tend to be those exceptions (well, in my opinion) or so I thought.

evidence to the contrary:

Example "A":

"A": hey, how are you? so i thought i was gonna be there around 12 but im going to go home and nap and come after, probably around 3.

Me: ok, that works.

"A": whats wrong?

Me: I'm in a shit mood, people are acting really stupid today here and its very frustrating and I didn't sleep well last night so I'm really tired.

"A": really? I slept GREAT! I woke up this morning feeling fantastic!

Me: thats nice, then why are you going home to take a nap?

"A": because I had to work from 8:30-12:30 this morning and I have to write a 10 page paper, so I'm going to go sleep for like 2-3 hours then I'll be by and then we can hang out later at like 9.

Me: I don't know about that, I'm really tired we may have to postpone hanging out.

"A": well, you have to tell me right now if that's the case because then I wont come by at 3 [to help me move something from work to my apt - planned yesterday btw]

Me: I can't tell you right now, I don't know right now how I am going to feel later. I just know I feel tired and shitty now.

"A": Well you HAVE to tell me now.

Me: fine, see you another day then.

....ultimately arrived at returning to the plan items get moved this evening when I am off work and then we hang out later...okay, so I understand the moving of things could possibly be considered like a big favor..but heres the facts...

I'm your girlfriend, you have a truck...it is thus your responsibility to help me move things when need be and is no longer thought of as a favor even though I would say and mean "thank you".

thoughts?

avoiding work...

2010-04-27T09:53:00.000-07:00

What is your favorite:
-color/book/state: green/goodnight moon/ny
-animal/person/plant: CJ/its a draw between several/my purple orchid
-food/drink/band: japanese/english breakfast tea latte/too many..but right now im likin' the xx
-place/hobby/thought to ponder: my bed/yoga/how things change
-t.v. show/part of your body/vehicle:

If you....
-Were granted ONE wish, what would it be? to be able to travel all around the world without having to worry about expenses or responsibilities...oh and to be able to take my favorite people with me.

-Were forced to live in the woods for a month and could only take 10 things, what would you take? this is perhaps my worst nightmare...but i would bring: a tent, a comfy sleeping bag, food, water, a tremendously long book, music, toilet paper!, and whatever else you need to camp. I never want to know.

-Could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? I would be more graceful, ie less clumsy

-Could take away one regret, what would it be? hmmm. i have started to change my outlook of my past to one of gratitude other than regret..but i think somewhere in there i would have actually gotten my college degree

-Could relive one moment of your life, what would it be? dec. 13, 2008...I wouldn't have run, I would have taken what was coming to me and ultimately, saved myself a lot of trouble

-Could live in any period of time in history, which would it be? 60s

-Could magically create any new invention, what would it be? a teleporter. LA traffic makes me crazy.

-Could go back and be either an Indian or a cowboy, which would you choose and why? Cowboy [girl]. I'd love to ride horses all day looking for trouble.

What is...
-Your idea of perfect happiness: being surrounded by the people I love walking the streets of New York in the late spring before it gets too hot...drinking ice coffee.

-The most important thing you've learned: that its possible to restart your life more than once. and I don't mean in a medical way.

-A question you really want answered: Who decides what happens in this world? Do I create my own fate?

Choose one:
liberal/conservative: Liberal.
outdoors/indoors: Outdoors
dogs/cats: dogs
The Beatles/Elvis: THE BEATLES.
school/work: School.
painting/drawing: Drawing.
reading/writing: Reading.
marketing/psychology: marketing

fill out and reply ;-) if you want to avoid work too...or school...or whatever!

Read more: http://www.20sb.net/forum/topics/its-survey-time#ixzz0mJvLsWKl

pursuit of happiness

2010-04-23T09:38:00.001-07:00

Imma Do Just What I Want Lookin’ Ahead No Turnin’ Back
If I Fall If I Die Know I Lived It To The Fullest
If I Fall If I Die Know I Lived And Missed Some Bullets

rainy day in LA

2010-04-20T11:53:00.000-07:00

today is a better day.

1. i love the rain (esp. when i'm stuck inside)

2. i was informed today not to stress out about the DENIAL situation (by someone who actually knows - not to say that all the love and support from my friends and family isn't great - its just not as reassuring)

3. i get to see both of my best girls tonight.

4. people seem to be tripping out less today at work.

from calamity to calm

2010-04-19T15:43:00.000-07:00

okay. this is where i am. i continue to take the next right step forward...so i can be at peace and know that i will be taken care of and looked after and not be in fear.

this does not mean that i do not look back to where i came from or what happened yesterday or last month (or most recently, several months ago) but it means that i can look back but still live in the present moment.

i continue to seek more balance and humility and gratitude on a daily basis but it finds me as i search.

just a mini-rant.

2010-04-19T14:57:00.001-07:00

so stressed so pissed so fucking over it right now.

"it" being the judicial system and bureaucracy in general. I can't even explain it...I have been living in California for 16 months, working, making a life for myself...PAYING EXORBITANT AMOUNTS OF MONEY IN TAXES and yet they DENY me!?

OH! and God forbid I get a returned phone call..please sir, freak me out beyond belief and then tell me you will call me back in a few hours and just don't bother...its cool..my fucking livelihood isn't in your hands or anything. no big.

ok. im done.

GET BEHIND ME SATAN AND PUSH...

2010-04-09T09:22:00.000-07:00

the most magical place on earth

i'm currently obsessed with finding new (to me) music to be obsessed with..

some current favorites are ~

Yael Naim - New Soul

Sia - Breathe Me

It's officially getting to be late on friday afternoon and I cannot wait to get out of work!!

Of course it has been absolutely beautiful out for the past few days and this weekend it is supposed to be chilly but I don't care, I'm going to try to make the best of it.

There is a rumor that I may be going fishing in Malibu at some point but we shall see...

I know, me + fishing = very bizarre!

So excited to see Brent tonight for yoga - love that girl.

and i leave u with a laugh...

www.eyeflare.com/article/funny-airplane-announcements/

all for the best - thom yorke

2010-04-09T09:06:00.000-07:00

Waking up and the bed was made
No one looked me in the eye
More I try, More I cry
And it's all for the best

Watched my brother cutting grass outside
Sitting on the porch he told me
It's a long way to go before we can rest
But it's all for the best

You're so beautiful it sings
On a lonely lazy morning
And when I see you rocking back and forth
Whispering that it's all for the best

One day the stone will roll away
Soon you'll see anekatips.com
you're far away from home but never far away from me
And that's all for the best

(and say you love me)

Promise me, son, not to do the things I've done
Walk away from trouble
(at the end of the day)

Say you love me
say you love me

wednesday

2010-04-07T10:34:00.000-07:00

Civilization is unbearable,

but it is less unbearable at the top.
~Timothy Leary

I want to go to Macchu Picchu.

Imagination will often carry us to worlds that never were. But without it we go nowhere.
~Carl Sagan

CHOICES by Nikki Giovanni
If i can't do
what i want to do
then my job is to not
do what i don't want
to do
It's not the same thing
but it's the best i can
do
If i can't have
what i want . . . then
my job is to want
what i've got
and be satisfied
that at least there
is something more to want
Since i can't go
where i need
to go . . . then i must . . . go
where the signs point
through always understanding
parallel movement
isn't lateral
When i can't express
what i really feel
i practice feeling
what i can express
and none of it is equal
I know
but that's why mankind
alone among the animals
learns to cry

2010-04-06T17:17:00.001-07:00

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

- Steve Landesberg

attempting motivation.

2010-04-06T10:03:00.000-07:00

im trying to get myself motivated to change the way i live, the way i eat, the way i take care of myself.

this is how i look at it: i quit doing what could possibly be the most unhealthy thing ever and yet i can't stop eating

crap, smoking cigarettes and drinking like 4 times as much caffeine as water. so...things are going to change. STARTING NOW.

today, I will not eat any candy.

today, I will not drink 8,000,000 cups of coffee.

today, I will go to the the gym (well, tonight).

I'm proud to say that I went to power yoga last night and it was incredible.

www.poweryoga.com

i'm going again on friday with Brent, who I can't wait to see - it's been way too long.

I think if I continue to make commitments like this, that include other people, then I will actually do them.

"We are made to persist.
Thats how we find out who we are"
~Tobias Wolff

2010-03-31T09:44:00.000-07:00

My best friend of 20 years...D...told me that I should write a blog, perhaps it is reminiscent of when we used to have Livejournals, or myspace pages, or sat on AIM for hours creating and recreating our profiles. She said that maybe I could help someone, maybe I could inspire someone to seek a better way of living...clearly, although we have been best friends for 2 decades (f@ck, we're getting old), living 3,000 miles away from one another has taken its toll.

Regardless, this is for you, D.

costa mesa...weekend rides...missing K$, i have the best big brother ever...

went down to OC to visit K$ this past weekend with the dre-face and as we drove around trying to find a flower shop (not as easy as one would imagine), we drove past...

~eVocal...eVocal is an artist establishment - the voice of creative arts lifestyle. eVocal gives rise to artists through 'Vocalism'. We provide artists with the opportunity to build brand identity, create products and reach their audience while being rightfully compensated. Our platform promotes freedom of expression, individuality and originality. We will fuel the creative arts evolution by changing the way talent is showcased and promoted. We aim to help establish a new method for the benefit of artists and consumers worldwide. eVocal is advocating a more conscious way of life and alternative to past industry standards. We embrace all styles of music and forms of expression and bring together the community as one. Creative arts is a lifestyle, those that live it, understand. eVocal is the Voice Of Creative Arts Lifestyle, a support infrastructure for emerging artists.........

eVocal (EVocal Ism) | MySpace

~~a few guys I knew started this place years ago and it seems to have blown up. so rad~~

~24hr Fitness...the gym that they took us too when I was at Ocean's Recovery in Newport Beach...aka the gym we used to sit outside of smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee bean.

~17th Street, Costa Mesa...the house I lived in after Ocean's (that has since been torn down)...where things went from ok - to bad- to worse very quickly.

Funny how things change in life...pretty remarkable.

People live, die, change, grow, stand still, move forward.

I'm decidedly moving f o r w a r d . . .